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| Typical kitchen behaviour. I am hairier though. |
Welcome back to the HQ kitchen
bringing you a sensual platter with which to entertain yourself and prospective
partners. Firstly we will be making
burger patties so I suggest if you’re a vegetarian, you may wish to stay away
or replace the meat with delicious quorn (my friend who doesn’t know what a
queef is would call the taste ‘queefy’).
You will need: 500g minced beef, a single egg (if
you’re Delia, it should be white but we have no such notions of colour
perfection), a table spoon of bovril, tomato ketchup, seasonings of your
choice, HP sauce, a finely chopped small onion (adjust the amount to your
liking).
With this in mind let’s make something delicious.
- 1. In a large mixing bowl, add all the above ingredients and mix together thoroughly with your hands. This feels pleasurable.
- 2. Divide into equal sized portions and form into patties with your hands. You should cup them gently and squeeze lightly to make sure they are staying together (like the Rev. Al Green would advocate).
- 3. Grill on a high heat until done.
Other suggestions I have include using chili flakes, grated
lemon peel and lamb mince with some of the other ingredients to mix it up a
little. Or why not use the same mix as
meatballs rather than patties? The
options, at least, are bottomless.
That was quick wasn’t it?
Chill out, that’s only a fragment of your evening. With the preparation out of the way, you
might have more time for light conversation and dinner games, or more time to devote to a sumptuous
dessert.
...
Gliding effortlessly into the 5th week of my
recipe introductions I am basically out of ideas which I have a strong feeling
about, I have delved into some unfamiliar territory – from this point hence I
shall be consulting a series of recipe books and websites to provide an
alternative. This week brings you a
frittata idea which is really rather freeform, from a recipe intended for under
10s so remember to first find a grown up helper. Anything goes, as you add whatever ingredients
you want! Game on.
To cook JUST the basic frittata (not recommended) you will
need:
·
4 eggs and 100g feta cheese.
I shit you not.
Let’s prepare this PG-friendly dish together, but only when
your responsible adult has preheated the oven to 180C.
- 1. Prepare your additional ingredients (some bacons bits, maybe spring onions or peas?).
- 2. Crumble the feta cheese into a bowl and mix with your prepared ingredients.
- 3. Crack the eggs into another bowl and beat them (careful, abusive parents, not THAT kind of beating) until well mixed. Now mix this with the other ingredients.
- 4. In an oiled ovenproof dish (don’t tell me you don’t have one) roughly 16cm across, tip everything into the dish. You may wish to grate more cheese on top for a more tasty coating.
- 5. Cook for 30 minutes or until the egg is set, and serve on a warm plate with crusty bread and salad.
It really is that simple.
Something sexier next time.
...
Some weeks ago I promised that I would spice up your life,
rather like the Spice Girls. However I
shall be doing this not with catchy girl-powered pop but with Thai Green
Curry. The jar in which the paste comes
has 3 chilies on it, and says hot. And
you know how hot my cooking instructions can be.
Go on Sainsbury’s, and get them to deliver the goods while
you plan your evening.
- 200g Green Curry Paste (enough for 2 people)
- Chicken breasts (judge how much you want, will depend)
- 400-600g coconut milk
- Assorted vegetables of your choice – I would recommend including baby sweet corn
- However much aromatic/sticky rice you’re comfortable with, that’s the main thing.
- Sugar.
- Thai Food Fish Sauce.
Now we have prepared our pallet of food colours, let us
paint a food picture. Be careful using
it as body paint though, it can be hot in the disastrously mood killing way.
- 1. Put the curry paste, coconut milk, a tablespoon of sugar and a splash of fish sauce (which smells foul) into a medium heat pan and mix carefully to create what will probably be a fairly thin sauce.
- 2. Drop diced chicken breast into this (from a safe distance obviously) and simmer until mostly cooked.
- 3. Add your vegetables and cook until they are the way you like. I personally like my curry to have crunchy vegetables to contrast the soft and tender chicken but your mileage may vary as always.
- 4. Meanwhile, I hope you have been cooking your sticky rice. Remember, it should be sticky but not uncooked and hard. It is vital you keep trying it as you go along. When this is finished, and you feel extremely fancy, it can be served in creative shapes and sculpted to add to your meal.
- 5. Serve in a hot bowl with mint leaves to garnish the dish, and with a refreshing drink (I enjoy a beer).
There you have it, a beautiful meal to help you make that
special lady your Thai Bride, without all the legal and financial costs of
getting an actual Thai Bride ™. Enjoy
responsibly, until next time.
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| A cool motorcycle, I'm a fan of those. Won't be showing you how to make one though. |
